A Nocturnal Journey From Chandigarh to Delhi

I was not in a good mood since I was rejected admission for PhD in the institute. I wanted to escape to Delhi as earlier as possible. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I got a current reservation to Sarai Rohilla in Delhi and ran to the train stationed in the second platform. I was happy to see a Tamil fellow sitting near me since I was more comfortable with Tamil than Hindi. I started talking with him. He was a financier in Chandigarh. People, mostly merchants, borrow money from him at a very high rate of interest. If they fail to return, this fellow use force to get the money or equivalent or more property back from them. He himself is doubtful if the money he had been earning and feeding his children was pure or not! I requested him to help me to get a bus to Jamia Nagar.

With him was a Delhi boy, Pappu as he called himself, aged around fifteen and obviously a slum-wallah. They met while coming to the station. He is from Delhi and he travels a lot. He spoke in high speed Urdu which I struggled to follow and frequently asked him to slow down. Most of the things I did not understand too! He thought I knew his language hearing my fractured Hindi!

At 10.30 night, the train reached Rohilla station. The Tamil fellow just left me saying good bye. I felt angry with him. But I was happy that atleast Pappu was with me. I asked Pappu how to go to Jamia Nagar where I have been staying with my friend. He told it is a bit away and in nights, it is difficult to get some bus. Let us see if metro rail service is there or not. I asked where Pappu wanted to go. He told me he also wanted to go near Jamia Nagar. I felt more happy. We came out of the station and asked someone where the bus stop is. We stood in the bus stop waiting for a bus. They just did not come and those which came did not stop. We wasted an hour or more standing there. I got scared and asked Pappu what to do. He told that we can walk to Old Delhi which is very nearby -actually it was not- and that getting bus or train is easy there. As we started walking, rain drops started falling. We ran and sheltered under the roof of a roadside tea vendor. Pappu ordered for omelet and tea. Rain was still showering. We were wet and felt very cool. We finished the tea and in between Pappu introduced me to the vendor as if they are friends for long! There was no signs that the showering rain would stop soon, therefore I insisted him to continue walk. We reached at Old Delhi. There also, we did not get any vehicles to Jamia Nagar. On the way, Pappu had been describing about his city very passionately. I loved the way he loved his city; he did it in a poetic way! Pappu decided that we must go to Red Fort in that mid-night!

My whole body was paining and the legs tired. We were walking through Chandni Chowk where there were no human beings. He told me Chandni Chowk is the most beautiful place in Delhi. In days, very beautiful girls come there for shopping! I understood that this fellow want to show me the whole Delhi over night! He was going on talking about Delhi in Urdu. I did not understand most of the things except that he loved Delhi and wanted to show me the whole Delhi over night if possible! I could not do anything I had to follow him. I cursed the moment I met this fellow. In a street, we saw women of various age wearing saris and lipstick standing here and there. He told me we can stay here if I was interested. I got scared and surprised that a small boy is interested in these kinds of activities. Pappu smiled at one of the girl as she looked at us, a middle-aged man tried to approach us. I held Pappu's hand forcefully and increased the pace of walk. The man walked away.

By the time I was extremely exhausted and mentally prepared to sleep in the foot path. We reached in front of the Red Fort. I could not move my steps. I sat on a stone soaked in the rain water. Pappu asked to walk through the road and asked my name. I told my name. He was surprised to know that I was a Muslim. He told me he also is a Muslim and told his full name, which I don't remember now. Then he insisted me to visit Jama Masjid which was nearby. I told him this is very late and we cannot enter the Masjid. He insisted to walk and we saw the Jama Masjid on the other side of the road. Thanks to Pappu, I saw Jama Masjid, Red Fort and Chandni Chowk in the late night. Even though I have been in Delhi for the past one week, I had never visited any place there since it was extremely hot in Delhi in that May. I could never come out of the room I was staying in.

The watch showed 2.30am. We moved to the nearby junction. Pappu called an auto and talked the driver in Urdu. Initially auto driver asked for 300 rupees which came down to 150 rupees. The auto was flying through the beautiful city and I was in a mood of relax in the auto. I felt as if I was in a boat sailing through the Chaliyar in the late nights. Pappu and the driver were talking very fast in Urdu. Even though he could sit in the back seat, he had sat with the driver on that small seat.

I called my friend Anees and told I will be there in Jamia Nagar by around 3.15. I got down near Batla house. Anees was waiting there. Pappu and Auto went towards Pappu's destination.

The Only Birthday I Have Ever Celebrated

Semester exam for Condensed Matter Theory will be held tomorrow. This is the last night before the exam. I have to revise the whole paper tonight itself! I called Balaji. We started with band structure calculation methods and the applications in the evening itself. Study progressed in a rapid pace. An extra energy was driving us, may be the Gold Flake Kings was the hero! Before the end of twilight, Balaji came into the full mood. Then we came out of the department and had tea and bajji at the AC Tech canteen. They are providing excellent tea. Per day we friends used to have three or four tea at AC Tech canteen. My professors are also addicted to the canteen tea.

“We should study well atleast tonight yar” Balaji told. I thought: 'what you are going to do overnight bloody!' But there was a determination obvious in his voice. “We will go to Kotturpuram and get some more cigarettes. I will sponsor them.” Balaji said showing a fifty rupees note from his pocket. This is the first instant I see Balaji spending money in his own interest! I also got excited. We walked towards Kotturpuram and bought a packet of cigarette and came back smoking one each. Had the dinner in the hostel canteen and came back to the department again.

Study started together with smoking. We were able to cover the topics very fast. I was surprised to see that it was one o clock when I took my head from the book. All cigarettes were burnt to ashes. “Let us have a tea” I told. Tea in the midnight is available only in Sriram Nagar. We went there and had two cups of tea. Road was still not empty. This is the life in a city, there is no difference between day and night. Balaji again paid the cash. We jumped the AC Tech front gate to enter the campus as usual while coming in and going out. Watch man is there but he just sleeps forgetting his surrounding. It was a routine of our university students who go to Sri Ram Nagar to jump over the AC Tech gate in the late nights.

Another surprise was going on side by side. My cell phone has been making noise from twelve o clock onwards. All my class mates wished happy birthday to me. Yes, I turned twenty six today. Surya, Hema, Pal and Satish called me too. What had not been happening in the last twenty five years happened in the twenty sixth year. This was the first time people wished me happy birth day! I really felt happy too.

We finished the portions and slept in the classroom itself. Woke up early in the morning and went to hostel for taking bath.

Exam was over by noon. I went to my room downstairs and saw that Viji and Surya were waiting there. I asked what happened. Viji took a plastic bag from her bag and opened it. It was a T-shirt, a gift. It was the first birthday gift I ever received! They wanted me to wear that. I did so. Then we all went to their department and saw that everyone was there. There was cake and on the blackboard, it was written 'Happy Birthday to Dear Kutty'. In the evening we all had a tea together at the Anna University Canteen. Thus ended the only birthday I have ever celebrated.

When You Are Old

Today I came here back from home after four days of Pooja holidays. It was quiet a long time when I went home last time. Everytime I planned to go home, there was some problem. Also, for the last few weeks, I was in a hurry to finish my MPhil project work there in the University of Madras, Chennai. I finished my viva on Saturday and was here in Tirunelveli on monday. I had thought I cannot go home even in another month.

I never used to have such a longing to go home; but this time there was a reason: my grand father was ill. So I went there......

I met my old grand father there in my mother's house. He is tired, became lean and he is desperate. I talked with him for a long time. We sat in the sit-out in the evening where he exposed his fears. His loneliness makes him think unnecessary things.

The conversation ignited in me certain thoughts about being seriously ill while you are old. I think that this is the most terrible phase any human being must have to pass through.

You are tired. You cannot walk through the vast paddy fields you have been sowing and reaping for decades. You cannot sit and chat with the fellow men in the streets. You painfully imagine your healthy friends chatting and laughing in the market. You go through the flash back of your life several times a day. There are no friends to come to you and spend time with you because they themselves are in other difficulties.

You rewind everything, every nook and corner of your past, from the first day you joined in the local Madrassa until now. Your father distributing sweets to all the other students and the Ustads. Your father bringing you new slate and pencil. You recall the joy you had had when splashing muddy water over your friends, they do the same back to you, onset of a fight and you beat him sitting over his chest.

You recall the days when you were a rebel to your father. You loved your mother too much. Your father wanted you to look after his paddy fields, coconut lands and the cattle and labourers. But you wanted to join some schools for studies. He do not allow you. You starts your rebellion.

You remember the night you left the home without saying anyone. You walked a hundred miles. You reached a Masjid in the early morning. The Moulavi saw you. You told some lies and you joined in the orphanage. You were there for a few years. Finally you came back to home. Your mother gives you food as if nothing had happened and you were not out of home all these years...!

You start working with your father. One day you get married. You give birth to your children. You bring them up with utmost love and care. They too get married. By the time your father passes away. Your mother falls down sick in the bed. You looks her after with the love she had been showering all through your life, still you realize that that was not sufficient. One day she leaves you behind. At this time, you feel a sense of insecurity. Still, your loving wife is a strong support for you. She shares your sorrow. She takes extra care of you.

You lived a long life. But the flash back lasts only a few minutes and you realize how short the life was...! Now you are desperately waiting for your death..!

Now, you are old. You repeat the flash back picutes like a movie. You watch it again and again. Because you do not have anything else to do, you are not able to do any physical work and you did not have a habit of doing intellectual works..! You are alone. Your children are away from you. Even if they are nearby, they cannot talk with you twenty four hours a day. Then your thoughts fly above all limits. You think too much about the death and the hereafter. You may cry in the lonely hours. You are waiting for the unavoidable death...! But the death too is busy. You don't know when he is going to turn his head towards you. Still you think you have to go on waiting him, even if it take several more years.

Note: I wrote it some five-six months back when my grandpa was suffering from cancer unidentified. He is no more since past two months; he surrendered to death. From the time we knew it was a cancer, the daughters of my grandpa started living with him on a rotation basis. Grandpa have a boy and six girls. His only surviving sister also used to come very frequently. His several grandchildren including me went there and spent lot of time with him. Most of the time he forgot his pain. I saw the love and care he had been showering on his children getting back when he needed that desperately. Love and care always stand high, it heals all sort of pains.

The Rabbit

We were almost near the VHF Radar ground where we used to play cricket on Saturdays. Gopal just stepped his foot on something and a cry came out. He suddenly took back the foot. He told something is there in the dry grass. I found a baby rabbit of the color same as dried grass, hiding with fear inside the grassy field. We took it into my quarters. Sukanta and Gopal also came there. Gopal took it into his quarter to show his wife and we heard a loud cry of his wife! He brought some milk and tomato also to feed the rabbit.

This little rabbit brought my childhood memories back when we, me and my younger brother, had a pair of rabbits. They stayed in our own home for a few days and later we put them in an old cage behind my home which was made for sheeps grown in my ancestral home several years before. We were very happy those days. Each day we hurried from school to spend time with our rabbits. They were white in color. They were so cute and we loved them. On a fateful night, some dogs attacked the cage and took one rabbit away. We got the lonely second one and took inside our home. We cried a lot that day and were very sad and silent for many days that followed. One day Uppa gave that lonely rabbit to someone else. This was the tragic end of my first acquaintance with rabbits.

This rabbit spent the whole night in my quarters. I was not courageous enough to leave it back in that late night, because the field was very wild with lots of snakes, dogs, mongoose and so on. I cut some grass, leaves and put it in one room with all these edible items. But it was so scared that it did not eat anything from that the whole night; except finding shelter under those leaves. In the very early morning, I left it into the fields. I saw the joy of feeling freedom and safety in that creature when it dashed into the hidings of the grey grassy fields!

The Scientist

It was a Tuesday when I first entered the Department of Theoretical Physics in the University. I was late by a month to join the class due to some difficulties in a school where I had been teaching physics.

At a glance, the department fulfilled all the signs of poverty! In the background of other departments in the University and the neighboring AC Tech College, TP stood odd as a symbol of poverty. A small closed air-tight building resembled a goods wagon! Fragrances of cigarette smoke was filled in the whole department.

Apart from all the faculty rooms, offices and labs, there was only two rooms: one class room and a seminar hall. The former was used by MPhil students and the latter as the MSc class room. Department library was always closed and if you enter in, you will feel as if you are entering into the dumping room of a government office. You will see a corner where it is written “Drinking Water” in white letters in blue background. But once you open the tap, nothing would come out, not even air!

I entered into the class room. All other students were already there creating great pandemonium inside. When I entered, they looked at me, as if they were expecting me. I was the only non-Tamil fellow in the class.

“Hi Kutty” A female voice from the left end of second row welcomed me. “Good morning”. She said. I wished a good morning back too.

I got a chair near Balaji whom I had met when I came to write the entrance test in the department. “Hey Balaji, who is smoking inside department? The whole verandah smells very bad!”

“One professor here is a chain smoker. When he work seriously, smoke comes out of his room even though he closes the doors”. Balaji laughed.

“No one have any problem with this smoke eh?”

“No one cares it”. He told. I just smiled and thought that was a strange place!

“Ippa yaroda class?” I asked. “Narayan sir...” He replied. I recalled the name 'Dr. Narayan - Emeritus Scientist' at the bottom of the faculty list displayed in the ground floor. “...the smoker”.

“He is a great scientist, and a very strict and tough guy! Daily he ask questions, if you don't reply he would rebuke you like anything!” Balaji described him briefly.

It was eleven thirty when a belly appeared outside the door. A palm was slowly circulating over the belly packed in pale red cotton shirt with an open button in the midlle and two at the top. The belly part of the shirt appeared more greasy too. Following this, an old smiling face appeared.

As the white-mustached and bold-headed scientist revealed himself completely at the door step, the whole class fell into pin drop silence! This abnormal ambiance increased my heart beat rate. And of course, I know that here in this land, respect means fear!

The whole class stood up. The scientist stepped towards the black board. Everyone sat down. The scientist looked all over the class and smiled holding his hands tight over the bald head. Pushing the belly forward, he smiled again. This position seemed to be his stable position! I scanned the strange man completely. His muddy slippers were torn and cracked here and there.

“From my experience...” the scientist opened his mouth “....till last year, none of your seniors knew physics! None of them were eligible for their MPhil degree...” God!

My heart beat rate shot up. I felt as if all my happiness of studying in that well-known department had gone. An unknown fear filled in the heart. I thought I will have to get fired each day by this fellow since I had little knowledge of my subject.

“...still they get their degree.” Scientist completed his line.

Oh, in a second, my mind jumped from a state of agony to a state of relief. At least they got their degree! I felt happy. Then the scientist started blaming the whole political and academic system in India. He rebuked the then CM of Tamil Nadu Mr. Karunanidhi for reasons which I did not understand.

Scientist released his head from his hands, picked a piece of chalk and turned to the black board. “GROUP THEORY” He wrote slowly and legibly. Then he turned to us and shone the old smile again, which, this time created a panic among the students. Everyone expected a question to them.

“What is a Group?” The scientist shouted aloud triggering prolonged vibrations in the iron windows opened outwards. Silence pervaded the whole class room. Scientist scanned the whole class room. Again he smiled. My peace of mind gone and fear slowly filled in. Everyone sat like statues without even eye movement!

“I don't like silence. If you know, utter the answer. Otherwise tell me you don't know the answer”. Scientist exploded.

“S..Sir...” a mild voice arose from the right end of the front row. The smiling face turned to that side. “..g..g groop is a set of elements that obey certain common rules..” All faces turned towards the savior.

“Very good...” scientist looked so happy. “..but what are those rules?” Came the next question. Silence again.

My situation was terrible. I was absolutely ignorant of group theory. This time no savior came. No one answered. Scientist got angry.

“This is what I have told you earlier. You don't even know what are the rules obeyed by the elements of a group! You are not even eligible for your masters degree. If I had the authority, I would have even canceled your masters degree. I am very anxious of the children you are going to teach. What will be the future of this nation?!!” As usual he rebuked the whole system and Mr. Karunanidhi specifically! I understood that Karunanidhi is his permanent enemy.

Each word pierced my mind. I felt guilty of me. What he initially told was absolutely right. An MSc Graduate must know atleast the basics of group theory.

Then scientist turned towards the fellow who answered the first question: “Better you be ignorant than knowing partially! Because partial knowledge is more dangerous than ignorance!”

“What is a similarity transformation?” Came the next thunderstorm. “Tell me...” The scientist exploded “.....you tell me...” The finger pointed towards me. Scientist was shivering in anger. Darkness gushed into my eyes. I lost the presence of mind. My ears closed automatically. I stood up slowly. He received me with a smile: “come on”. I smiled at him meaning that I don't know the answer. Suddenly his face assumed a terrible look. He fired at me for several long seconds. “I am not a poet to write some lines impressed by your smile” My smile turned into a smirky expression. The frontbenchers got a nice saliva bath in the thunderstorm from the great scientist!

Then he turned to the board. “Let A be a matrix..” I was surprised to know that matrix theory and group theory are relatives. I felt ashamed of my ignorance. Professor Narayan painted the whole board with matrices. What ever he explained was not at all audible. He used symbols with subscripts and superscripts. C, Xi, nu, n, N i, j ... they all were indistinguishable from each other. When he wanted to rebuke, he raised the voice and each word was audible and very clear to everyone both inside and outside the class room. I understood that this fellow is passionate of firing and threatening the students rather than teaching.

The marathon matrix painting was over by one-thirty. Scientist turned to us “Ok?” He asked with a smile as if he was satisfied with what he had been doing on the board. All of us shook heads meaning 'Yes' even though no one understood anything. Each one of us did not dare to ask questions to him. Scientist took his book authored by Michael Tinkham in hand and stepped towards the door slowly. On way, he told “better you refer Joshi” meaning the book on Group Theory by AW Joshi. He reached at the door and turned back, threw the chalk piece powerfully towards the black board. It hit over the board and fell down adding a thick white dot in the already white washed black board! The belly and professor went out of the class.

Immediately the class fell into the initial pandemonium.

“How is our scientist Kutty?” Balaji asked. “Terrible!!” I laughed aloud. 

My First PhD Interview

My name was not there in the list. I checked it once again and confirmed a third time. The result of two weeks journey came out in two hours. All the hopes got shattered in a second. I sat down at the verandah. I saw a few happy faces and many sad faces walking around. There were people who were more depressed than me. This was how my first attempt to get a PhD position in a premier institute ended up with. I got down the steps and walked towards the hostel, packed my bag. Had the lunch, paid the money both in the canteen and in the hostel. Took my bag and walked towards the gate.

I recalled the previous day when I was coming here. I had got a tatkal reservation in the chair car of an express passing through Rupnagar. As the train entered Haryana, I could not see anything except wheat fields where huge machines were reaping the harvest. The whole Haryana and Punjab was blanketed by yellow wheat fields. Golden hay particles filled inside the train compartment even though it was completely closed! The whole journey was as if I was sitting inside a boat moving through a yellow sea! I got down at Rupnagar station and asked someone where the institute is. One child showed me the institute at the other side of the highway. I crossed the road and tried to find the gate. But I could not. I asked people living in the nearby huts where the gate is, they also did not know! Then I saw a big house and a man standing in front of it. He explained me the way to go and finally I was there.

The Sikh security guards who had welcome me the previous night, now showed me the register book to sign out and sent me off with the same smile. I walked out of the institute and just turned once again back to see my shattered dreams. “Hi” A strange voice called me. “You came here for PhD interview eh?” He asked. “Yes” I replied hiding my shame inside.

“I am Punkaj, from Hariana. I also came for the same and was screened out. I attended for Mathematics interview. And you?”

I introduced myself. We together walked towards the railway station. There was no train to Chandigarh at that time. So we caught a cycle rickshaw towards Rupnagar bus stand. By the time we reached Chandigarh bus stand, we had become good friends. Punkaj walked towards the other side of the platform. He had to go to Karnal, his home town in Hariyana. I got a bus to Chandigarh railway station and checked if any train is available to Delhi. Fortunately or unfortunately, I got a current reservation to Rohilla.